Spending my Last Days in Paris's 18th District

27th of August 2020:

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up every hour or so. I couldn't eat or drink my morning coffee. I was just laying in bed for hours. I felt nausea and I stayed in the bathroom for awhile because I was afraid I would throw up. I left early in the morning and for the first time, I wore my shirt and it was wrinkled. I couldn't even bother myself. I was too drained to iron it or worry about it because it seems too small in comparison to the things I am worried about. I walked down rue Hermel while the buses were parked waiting. I have always wondered why they would park for longer time than the other buses and turned out they take elderly people so they would wait longer.

I always leave Jules Joffrin metro station (it has always been my favourite station) and I lived close to it for the past two years. Every time I come out of the station; I always stare at the church to my right and look at the square in front of it. People sitting around it, a mother with her baby in the baby stroller and others talking. It is where the city hall is located. I have once witnessed newly weds coming out of it after being officially married in the hall. I remember it was around Christmas and family and friends were gathered in front of it waiting for the married couple to come out. It was a beautiful encounter.

On this day, I walked slower than usual. I thought how can the morning be so quiet yet my mind was racing with thoughts and worry. My heart was heavy. The smell of fresh croissant filled the air coming out La boulangerie du square. People were walking quickly. I wondered why I am doing all of this and is it really worth it? For what? and to whom? I realized that sometimes we are forced to do certain things and we followed the rules but still, things can come against you. I looked at people around me and wondered about their problems. I have been running non-stop for so long that I no longer remember the last time I felt okay. But too many questions roamed inside my head.

I have lived in the 18th arrondissement for the past two years and even when I moved from the first place I lived in after a year, I remained in the same district. It is my favourite district among the 20 districts in Paris. It represents the old and authentic Paris. The vintage buildings from the 18th century standing tall against this modern world. The old coffee shops and the endless long stairs where you will lose your breath quickly but once you get used to them, you will turn into a pro.

You will always discover a new alley and new graffiti on its walls. I will miss walking up the Sacre Coeur and seeing the landscape of Paris from up high. Whenever I felt down, I would go for a walk around Montmartre. I will miss the sound of the metro passing between La Chapelle and Stalingrad behind me while I am drafting something on my computer. I will miss the stillness of the morning and sitting by the window enjoying the morning breeze while sipping my cold brew. I finally packed my things and will leave to another place. I don't know what the future holds but I am ready to what's coming next.