Gloomy Days in Paris Made me Think

I haven't left my place for over 10 days. I have been feeling blue. Uncertainty is keeping me locked in. I am trying my best to keep myself busy with work and drafting papers and also, blogging. However, this solo time that expanded for two years now is giving me a lot of time to think and reflect, maybe way too much. 

I find myself making my iced coffee first thing in the morning while playing songs for Amr Diab on my computer. I have a list on YouTube and my tears would stream down my face while making coffee or even while cooking. I am still wondering why my tears would fall so effortlessly, like a bird waiting eagerly to leave its cage. I have been trying to solve this puzzle for quite sometime but I have no answers yet. 

The weather has been a bit humid with a cool summery breeze once the sun sets. My days have been pretty much the same. I have been telling myself that I will go out tomorrow but tomorrow comes and I just curl up in bed watching random videos and listening to music or read a novel. 

I spent the past week reading a novel by the Libyan author Hisham Matar and looks like I have been missing out on a masterpiece. I used the book as an excuse to cry and I cried so effortlessly whenever I read an emotional line, sometimes, it wouldn't be that emotional but I made it be. I tried to extend the period of reading so I can have more time with the story. It was captivating. It kept me on my toes the whole time. Whenever I found myself working or getting something done, I would rush to the book and read it to know what happened next. 

The weather has not been helping as well. Moving around with my PJ on during the day and trying to get things done, barely! I have been sitting by my window watching the buildings in my neighbourhood, living in the sixth floor can come handy at times. I thought of my feelings, the future, the picture I would take five years from now, where will it be? Will I still be running solo? I feel as if I am suffocating in my own thoughts. I feel that I made some decisions out of selfishness and bared to hear some words though I know they are temporary. However, because I have been waiting to hear those for a long time but haven't, thus, when I got the chance to hear them randomly, I jumped at the opportunity without having a second thought! I know what I am doing or thinking is wrong but I can't help myself. I am hurting myself more but I want to feel those feelings one last time, that's what I told myself last time but did it again. Perhaps what I am writing here doesn't make sense and it is okay because I don't want it to make sense, at least for now. 

I feel that I am not enough. That whatever I am doing or trying to do is never enough. I hate the fact that I am random or even temporary for some people. I have been trying to distant myself from people. They are all temporary and it is easier to stay in my own space. If feels safe and I am tired of disappointments but sometimes I wonder if I am the one causing them to myself. I don't know what else to say but let me leave it like this.