Being Selfish Will End-up Hurting You

 

Usually when we hear the term ''selfish'' we think of negative meanings. According to Cambridge dictionary, the term means: 

Someone who is selfish only thinks of their own advantage: The judge told him: "Your attitude shows a selfish disregard for others."  Us, humans, we are selfish by nature, but it differs from one person to another. Depending on the traits of a person, they will be selfish but in different rates for sure. It's funny that we get upset when we know a selfish person but we should remember that we practice selfishness all the time, without even realizing it. It is more about knowing when and how to use it, in ways that don't hurt other people along the way. 

This year, a random encounter happened that did not necessarily mean that I had to practice being selfish but I was curious to try it out. I am not a selfish person by nature but I know when I have to be selfish, not in a negative way of course! However, I didn't realize that I will practice it in an extreme way and end up hurting myself and no one else but me. I never thought that a lack of certain emotions would push me to do things that I wouldn't do and even cross the boundaries I once sat for myself. It made me question the existence of these boundaries from the very beginning! 

Nevertheless, they made me feel bad about myself and that I didn't matter at all. I knew what I was up against but regardless, I was selfish to feel certain feelings even if they were fake. I was selfish because I wanted to hear certain words even if they were from the wrong people but they made me feel that I mattered, even if it was for a short period of time. Although, in my head, I knew the truth. I knew it all from the beginning but my selfish self took over this time. I was desperate and selfish and mixing these two, oh boy, what a cocktail! (Not a good mix). 

As my therapist once said ''Don't blame yourself''. I discussed this with him when I felt angry and disappointed because I found myself needing someone whom I couldn't call mine but I cared about that person and I felt good around that person, ''fake goodness'' if I can describe it in this way. But it hit me when my therapist told me that I do not need complications and in that moment only, I realized how much I yearn for peace, serenity, and love. It was not okay to feel what I felt, it was unfair and I no longer wanted to feel threatened or to feel worthless. 

I realized that I didn't want to hurt myself anymore by my actions. Being selfish was wrong in this case. I also realized that I needed to act, fast. It didn't matter if it was going to leave me feeling perplexed but as a dear friend told me ''it is okay to feel hurt now because it is better than carrying this hurt with you for the long term. You owe it to yourself.'' And eventually, we move on.