What it Felt Like to Drown in Love?

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Love is one of the most beautiful feelings one can ever feel. We first feel it from our family and loved ones. The way our parents would love us is essential and has a great impact on us as we grow older. The love of dear friends is another important variable and one should feel blessed to have loving friends. 

Later on, we begin to watch movies and we observe another form of love. The one between two human beings and we begin to observe that special relationship with all of the details and affection and we daydream about the day we get to feel this too. All of the details of a caring, loving, and supportive partner are things many would want to have at some point in their lives. With all of the ups and downs.

For me, my love story was so different from the ones we see in movies. I wished it was but unfortunately, it wasn't! People didn't lie when they say ‘’love will catch you off guard’’. If you know me well enough, you will know that I am a very rational person and emotions don't usually guide me. You would think that I am heartless at times as I don't count emotions in the equation of life.  

Maybe it was my way to protect myself and live life with less drama and to stay focused for as long as I could. Even my therapist told me at some point that I was protecting myself way too much that I wasn’t ready when I was attacked. This was the case my whole life until something happened and changed everything. I am a planner and I thought I would have the ability to plan when and how I will fall in love with someone when actually love hit me before I had any chance to wrap my head around it.  

We were just like any other two who started to get to know each other and our friendship was strong. We talked about everything and anything. It was so easy to talk to him, easier than it would usually be. I didn't think twice when we talked or the kind of terms I would use with him. It was natural and we felt easy. Day after day, our bond got stronger than ever and I felt something different. However, I couldn’t define it in the beginning, yes, I liked him but there was something different for sure.  

For the most part, I would like a guy but it never reaches the love euphoria. Maybe that's why I never fell in love before. The flow of events progressed and things with him got complicated but for some reason, I couldn't stay away from him. He would tell me everything and we would feel as if we were together but we weren't. He never wanted to define the relationship and that was selfish but I think I didn't realize it until it was way too late. 

I accepted that it had no title as long as we were together. We didn't compromise but I was so in love that I didn't want to give up yet and hoped that maybe things would change. I wanted to be there for him more than he did for me and again, I didn’t care. Love makes us so blind sometimes and I was fully blind during that experience. 

As time progressed, my emotions were stronger and I was falling more in love with him. But I think after thinking back, I was actually drowning in love, and not falling in it. Drowning is much different than falling, it represents slow suffocation and it leads to brain damage due to lack of oxygen. You either enter a state of coma or you will just die.  

I felt during that time that I was drowning and I wondered why I didn't feel what love should make us feel. It felt scary rather than safe and I felt threatened by the fact that he would leave at any point and I wasn't ready for that. He suddenly left due to an unexpected turn of events and I was not ready whatsoever. I was left with a great sense of disappointment and sorrow. I blamed myself for so long that I started to have problems and that ''love'' made me struggle greatly on an emotional level in ways I never thought I ever would. I felt ashamed because I thought I was strong enough but I was too weak and I didn't like it. I had to get help and I did because I couldn’t solve it on my own.  

Nevertheless, when my heart was first broken, I felt it physically hurt and it was the first time for me to experience this feeling. I would describe it as getting a wound but I couldn’t touch it or fix it and it hurt like hell. I remember that I cried because it hurt so much and I didn’t know how to stop the pain. I knew I had to cry because I didn’t express any sort of emotions when he left for so long that feelings were piling up inside instead until I confronted those feelings and my heart hurt me like never before. I now understand those heartbroken souls because a heart can hurt and it is real.  

What I want to say is to never let yourself be with someone who is not honest enough to define the relationship. Open relationships are serious pain and struggle and it is not worth it to go through it. Remember that you are worth it and your emotions are worth investing in by someone who would see and accept you the way you are. Never let anyone use your feelings against you or belittle you in any way. It is okay to be weak sometimes and to be strong. Someone one day will appreciate everything about you. 

I shared with you an old experience but I am glad after this long that I went through it to discover that I was supposed to love myself first and foremost and only then, others will love me. I learned to appreciate myself, my feelings, and my whole being. I became emotionally aware of everything around me and that experience made me discover myself in a very deep way. I thought I knew myself when I truly didn't and I had to get to know ''me'' from a different aspect. Remember that you deserve better.